Have you ever shared your heart with someone and the other person’s response caused you to think, “You’re Not Listening!”?

You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why it Matters by Kate Murphy

Genre/Categories: Nonfiction, Essays, Self Improvement, Personal Communication, Connection

*This post contains Amazon affiliate links.

My Summary of You’re Not Listening

Kate Murphy explores the art of listening. Who is a good listener? What skills and abilities do good listeners employ? She explains how listening is a powerful aspect of communication and connection while offering practical examples of how to improve your listening skills.

“We are groomed to lead the conversation rather than follow it. Value is placed on what you project, not what you absorb.”

My Thoughts

Practical and Insightful

Although Kate Murphy cites studies and provides data, she also shares clear examples and practical and easy-to-implement strategies for the improvement of listening skills.

“Listening is more of a mind-set than a checklist of dos and don’ts…Listening, requires, more than anything, curiosity…Curious people listen well because they want to understand and connect and grow…Listeners respond in a thoughtful, feeling way, which is the measure of a good listener…People want the sense you get why they are telling you the story, what it means to them, not so much that you know the details of the story…Good listeners are not born that way, they become that way.”

A Subtle Art

Murphy goes beyond the basic listening skills we have most likely mastered to a explore a deeper understanding of the art of listening.

“Listening goes beyond just hearing what people say, It’s also paying attention to how they say it and what they do while they are saying it, in what context, and how what they say resonates within you.”

My Most Significant Take-Away

Good listeners are good questioners.

The thought that resonated most with me is her explanation of two responses that a listener can have: a SHIFT response or a SUPPORT response. One example might look like this (from my own brain and not an example the author used):

• Person A: Last night, my dog escaped the house and hasn’t returned.
• Person B: (shift response) My dog got out once and was missing for a week. Have you created a flyer to post in your neighborhood? (even though person B is trying to be helpful and is actually staying on topic, the conversation has now subtly shifted to centering yourself and not truly understanding the other person and deepening your connection). Trying to offer help is a natural and kind response (and there might be a time to offer help or advice) but it doesn’t convey that you are deeply listening. (support response) Your dog is an important member of your family. How are your children feeling this morning? (this deepens your connection with person B and demonstrates that you are listening deeply to their concern)

“Good listeners are all about the support response. Shift responses are symptomatic of conversational narcissism, which quashes any chance of connection. Shift responses are usually self-referential statement while support responses are more often other-directed and curious questions. Open and honest questions don’t have a hidden agenda of fixing, saving, advising, or correcting.”

Recommending You’re Not Listening

You’re Not Listening is a thoughtful, inspiring, and practical read for those who desire to improve their listening skills and make deeper connections. Everyone can benefit from the content. Put this book on your Nonfiction November TBR!

My Rating:  4  Stars

Meet the Author of You’re Not Listening, Kate Murphy

Kate Murphy is a Houston, Texas-based journalist whose work has appeared in The New York Times, The Economist, Agence France-Presse, and Texas Monthly. Her eclectic and widely shared pieces have explored an extraordinary range of topics including health, technology, science, design, art, aviation, business, finance, fashion, dining, travel, and real estate. She is known for her fresh and accessible way of explaining complex subjects, particularly the science behind human interactions, helping readers understand why people behave the way they do. She also has a commercial pilot’s license, which she puts to good use when called upon to report from remote locations.

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QOTD:

In a world of self-promotion, does the topic of listening appeal to you?

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